Hello, Duke University

I love it that this weekend’s Google brought me a researcher from Duke University inquiring “how much money does a person working at the White House make”?

* * * * *

Oops, I spy in my peripheral vision a little something hanging from the right hinge of my eyeglasses. Reach up and pluck it off. A piece of aluminum foil? Oh, a bit of Hershey’s Kiss wrapping. How did that get there!

By the way, a tip. Don’t buy goody bag Hershey’s Kisses for goody bags several days before birthday goody bags will be given out at child’s birthday party. Very few remained for the goody bags. A remnant couple took refuge in my desk drawer. But I caught ’em.

AH, C'MON! (GOOGLE CASINO GIVES ME TOO MUCH INFO)

I’m now the Number One Google Return for plastic cups alternative. I’m not heartless. I really feel for No Impact Man, he ought to have the honor. I mean that! I do! We all know that No Impact Man and I have our differences but as far as environmental info (and links to) goes, my blog isn’t exactly the place to be. We’re interested here, but in this household we’re also a tragic mix of displaced Irish, displaced Scots-Irish, displaced Cherokee and Ioway and French. So our attitudes are kind of, “Hell may come, yes it will. We hope not but, shit, look at the history of scumbag governments.” We like to do our part while at the same time resigned that those who have the passion to gain control over lots of people and money are usually crazy individuals with a heavy duty EYES AND TIME FOR ONLY ME AND WHAT’S GONNA BEST BUILD THE PERSONAL FUTURE I WANT WHICH IS DEDICATEDLY OH SO FAR BEYOND YOUR SORRY PATHETIC REALITY complex.

What also does Google Casino give me today? I put up this nice little (no, very long) post a little while back on Antonioni’s Blow Up and because of it this search array lands on my blog: picture of an arm blowing up.

Who in the hell needs to see a picture of an arm blowing up? I don’t wanna know. But given the nature of the Internet I doubt it was for purposes of scare-em-senseless education as in, “Look, children, this is what may happen when you play with fireworks or sign up for an indefinite tour in Iraq!”

I had a great-grandfather with a glass eye, by the way. From a childhood incident with fireworks. I read that a way to really annoy people is to tap your glass eye while talking to them. I wonder if he ever did that? I know he used to like to take it out and entertain the kids with it.

This would be Funny if it wasn't so Frustrating

This is a screen grab of my search query report for not just my blog but my entire web site. Which is the usual.

Back early in 2004, I did one blog post in which I mentioned monster trucks in which I linked to a couple other websites that were monster truck websites. The post wasn’t even on monster trucks. I was just proving a point.

And week after week after week, this is what I get coming to my blog and web site. They want monster trucks. And big trucks. Monster trucks and big trucks. Out of all the topics I’ve posted on, this is what I get, search queries directed always to that one particular page with the two links to monster truck websites (in other words, I needn’t worry about this post, I don’t think, as I’ve commented on this phenomena before and the search engines aren’t interested).

A couple of weeks ago I removed the links to those monster truck websites, hoping that will do something about this. And when it does finally work its magic? Well, I’ve also a couple days ago disallowed Google searching for images. And when those two actions finally get through to Google, the slim little bit of Google traffic I get will dwindle from a drop drop drop of the faucet to the last faint ghost of moisture on the tongue of this blog sitting smack in the middle of a desert run on this vast information super highway.

Just a touch of non-poetic justice to it all. That on the so-called information super highway the searchers I get want monster trucks, and they will go anywhere, even all the way out to my blog, in order to find all the monster trucks they can.

P.S.: Isn’t it annoying I’m complaining about this? Especially if you’ve landed at this website looking for monster trucks?

Site Search Tags: ,

Sigh, I Remember When Google Was a Baby

It’s said that Google now wants to run my life.

Google, the world’s biggest search engine, is setting out to create the most comprehensive database of personal information ever assembled, one with the ability to tell people how to run their lives.

In a mission statement that raises the spectre of an internet Big Brother to rival Orwellian visions of the state, Google has revealed details of how it intends to organize and control the world’s information.

The company’s chief executive, Eric Schmidt, said during a visit to Britain this week: “The goal is to enable Google users to be able to ask the question such as ‘What shall I do tomorrow?’ and ‘What job shall I take?’.

I’d say, “Well, isn’t it about damn time?! I’ve always needed a life manager!” But then I think again and imagine tragic disparities, Google telling some people to invest their millions in…Google…and informing others it wouldn’t adversely effect their future if they danced off the nearest high tower.

In the meanwhile, despite the fact that Google has purchased Double-Click and will next be belching all over me ads for everything marginally connected with whatever subject I happen to be Googling, I went ahead and made up a Google homepage for myself and installed Google Chat and with the calendar and gmail and weather and select TV stations (like C-Span 2 which I can only see online as we only have network television) and Wikipedia and maps and gas prices and to-do lists all available right there at one place, and all kinds of crap I don’t need but’s fun, and anticipating more more more, I can see how, especially if I gave Google access to my computer with a desktop search, and if I had a cell it played nice with, it could come reasonably close to believing it could run my life.

I’m mad at Google because they played with rankings again and last Saturday my site began tanking, the Google searches accessing it halved. I went from being the NUMBER ONE GOOGLE SEARCH RESULT FOR MONSTER BREATH to number ten. And that hurt. That REALLY hurt. I would BOYCOTT them for this but I can’t imagine giving up Google search if only for Google book search.

I’m beginning to see how Google is getting ready to rule the world. And I remember when I first saw Google. It was a new little thing. They were BABIES, sucking their thumbs, virtually begging people, “Give us a chance! Help us out!” People who felt themselves internet rebels abandoned Alta Vista and installed Google search on their web pages.

Then Google switched from the breast to regular food, growing teeth, and started crying, “Feed me! Feed me!” Which we did, gladly.

And now it has morphed into GoogleBLOB, consuming every thing it touches, becoming bigger and bigger and bigger. Which is why I didn’t do Gmail or the Google Calendar forever. I didn’t want to give Google too much of me. But here I am plugging into it and consolidating all my home page non-essentials into it, wishing I could integrate Word with its calendar and manage files from it. Next it will be doing our banking for us, and selling us real estate, finding us jobs, mates, and who knows what else?

Now, if only Google could only personalize its advice. It’s one thing to tell you what you should be doing based on tracking every move you make, but another making judgment calls based on those moves. Such as if you didn’t like what Google Personality X-tian Fundamentalist Aunt Jane had to say about how you should be doing THIS instead, then you could always switch to Google Friend Buttercup who is working on her third drink and feeling pretty giggly.

Bigger, Smaller

To the person from Indiana who got here Googling the two words bigger, smaller (imagine, I’m in the top 10 search results for those two words), just what the hell did you have on your mind?

What kind of search is bigger, smaller?

If you have a three-year-old and are trying to figure out how to teach the concept of size to them, I feel for that kid if you must resort to the internet for methods.

But a simple way to demonstrate it is this.

Stand on tip-toes and reach hands way up. Say with booming voice, “BIGGER!!!!!”

Scrunch up tiny and say in a teeny voice, “Smaller.”

They’ll get the idea.

Friendly advice for a future Googler

Do NOT, when recovering from a head cold, get the hiccups, take a mouthful of carbonated water flavored with lime, stand on your head and instead of swallowing said water (which will realign the diaphragm and is the only way I can get rid of hiccups) accidentally let almost the whole mouthful of water flow up into your sinuses. Yeah, I got rid of my hiccups but I am writhing around on the floor in staggering pain. I don’t know how I’m managing to type this but before I pass out I just wanted to get it up on the internet–this is something not to be experienced.

Someone recently got here Googling, “Do seahorses sneeze?” and my website came up first in the results. Out of all the webpages on the internet, my website came up first in the results. If someone is going to hit this website asking, “Do seahorses sneeze?” I may as well start putting up friendly bits of information like this. So…

POTENTIAL GOOGLER: When I have a head cold, what will happen if I stand on my head and inhale sparkling water flavored with citric acid? Just wondering.

ANSWER: AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

To the person who got here Googling "glued Legos versus unglued Legos"

Dear Person Who Got Here Googling Glued Legos Versus Unglued Legos:

Yes, definitely.

Take your several big containers of assorted Legos. Liberally pour glue over them all.

Let me know how it goes.

* * * *

Dear Person Who Got Here Googling Reimagining yourself:

It’s generally preferred to letting someone else reimagine yourself for you, so beat them to the punch.

You’re welcome! I’m gratified to find mine was the #1 return in the search result.

Ah, gee, Google, stop with the love, you're embarrassing me

How sweet. Looking at searches that bring people here, I find that my blog comes up #1 in Google for the search…

oven smells like mouse urine

…because of my recent kitchen post which mentioned nothing about mouse urine but someone else’s one time problem with it was discussed in the comment area. This post will only reinforce those results. (Jimm, I would feel badly for you that I’ve usurped your position in the Google standings in this regard, but I see it seems you may not place at all in Google using those search terms, which is for the best as your blog is infinitely more respectable than mine.)

I also find from a Google search leading another unwitting soul here, that if you put in the words…

oh lord would you buy me

…then I also come up first. At least today.

Because of this post.

I can live with that. It wasn’t a bad post.

If someone doesn’t correctly remember the Janis Joplin lyrics then they land here. Though I did remember them correctly. And the post wasn’t even about the song.

It’s like cluelessness double compounded for the person who lands on that post via the search…

oh lord would you buy me

We’re watching old Warner Brothers cartoons here tonight. Well, I’m sitting in here and listening while working on stuff. Some are so well written that I’m dissolving in laughter just from the dialogue, pacing and sound effects. I especially like “The Foghorn Leghorn” where Foghorn Leghorn is determined to convince the young chicken hawk, Henery, that he really is a chicken, after Henery’s uncle tells him Foghorn Leghorn is a Loud Mouthed Shnook.