Loathsome bad cookies

I’m feeling out of sorts. I think I’ve a touch of the flu that’s been going around. Ended up sleeping most of the day, thus H.o.p. had a day off. I took a nap this morning and was surprised to wake up and found how long I napped. Then I took a nap this afternoon, again, and woke up to H.o.p. jostling me, telling me that he and his dad had decided as I wasn’t feeling well, I needed a day off and so any school for the rest of the day was out of the question. “Isn’t that nice,” H.o.p. said, “giving you a day off?”

Think what you will of that. He was smiling and thought he was being really magnanimous.

I pulled myself up out of bed and not for him but because I was suddenly feeling a big craving for something sweet, blearily I took out a packet of dry potential cookie dough he’d had us pick up, he having thought it was a great idea to make cookies out of a packet of dry potential cookie dough.

I blearily added the butter and egg.

It was weird.

I’ve rarely met an inedible cookie dough.

This wasn’t the stuff of cookies.

I tried making one pan.

The result was truly loathsome bad cookies, not fit for consumption.

Truly, I’ve never seen such a cookie dough. It was bizarre. H.o.p. took one spoonful of the dough and his excitement faded but he kept a brave and stiff upper lip. When he was done grimacing he gave me a thumbs up and a smile and said, “That’s great!”

I said, “You grimaced.”

He said, smiling, “No, it’s great.”

He put the spoon down in the sink.

“You want any more?” I asked.

“No, thanks,” he said, backing out of the kitchen.

I ask you, have you ever met a child who would refuse cookie dough?

It was like sawdust! It looked like sawdust. It tasted like sawdust. The few cookies I made of it looked like sawdust that was trying to figure the hell out what it was doing in the oven and not coming up with a clue.

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Juli Kearns

Juli Kearns is the author of Thunderbird and the Ball of Twine and Unending Wonders of a Subatomic World (or) In Search of the Great Penguin. She is also an artist/photographer, and the person behind the web alter of "Idyllopus Press".

8 thoughts on “Loathsome bad cookies”

  1. For us it’s box brownies. When we make them from scratch, we use butter. The boxes use some sort of suspicious fat. I always think beef tallow, but it’s probably not something with a name you can pronounce.

    Then there was the time someone left us with a bag of “Hemp Brownie Mix.” It was awful; the sort of flavor someone might accept while trying to get a buzz, but mostly tasting like brownies with dirty lawn cuttings in them. Why you would buy a high priced mix and dirty a mixing bowl for that is beyond me. Some people must hate their kids.

  2. Susan, we do like the Ghirardelli boxed chocolate syrup brownies.

    With these cookies we used our own butter. I went ahead and did the rest of the recipe just spreading the batter flat in the pan in a brownie style, adding some milk. I didn’t care for them but Marty and H.o.p. liked them so much that they got yet another package of this cookie mix to make in the same manner. Agh! Still it does taste better than your standard premade chocolate chip cookies, and Starbucks and some other coffee shops.

    Nothing is like the old Nestles recipe for chocolate chip cookies but you have to have an oven that does cookies well and our oven is fairly unfriendly, a very uneven baker, so I hate to invest the time needed for really good cookies.

  3. On the hemp brownies, Happy Hemp Brownie Mix contains spelt flour, so maybe they had problems with gluten. Spelt flour itself is sometimes not the most appealing of things. I’ve not had any food, to my knowledge, made with hemp oil or seed so don’t know about the taste.

  4. My three girls make brownies with cocoa and make them better than I do these days. It’s very cheap because we buy the cocoa in bulk, but if you bought a box of Giardelli cocoa, you could have brownies and hot cocoa and cocoa truffles and chocolate sauce on your ice cream……

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